Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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