Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
