im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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