I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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