you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
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Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
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I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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