omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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