if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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