I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
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Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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