he told me I talked like a deaf person
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
