The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
