Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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