Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
