don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
