Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
