does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
