the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
