Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
