im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
