If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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