If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
