dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
