i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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