if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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