Betty ford says i'm here all night
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
