First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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