I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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