my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
