walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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