dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
