If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
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