I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
