There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
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