Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
