Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
