Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
