You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
