I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
