I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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