Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize
