Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
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I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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