if i can run in heels then i can drive
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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