My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
