Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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