Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
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I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
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At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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