you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
