I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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