The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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