You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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