i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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