I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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