i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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