I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
