You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
