your parents love me but you hate me
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
